Meaning in another
Many years ago I had the pleasure of reading Viktor Frankl’s “Man’s search for ultimate meaning”. I consumed the book faster than an inebriated glutton gobbles down dinner and while most aspects of the book sat down well with me there was one particular idea that I found incredibly hard to digest.
Viktor Frankl suggested that man (and woman) can find meaning in an idea, object, or person. I balked at the suggestion. I had no difficulty agreeing with the former two but it was the latter with which I could not agree. I was a teenager back then; ignorance and narcissism coursed through my blood.
How could you ever find meaning in another person, I thought to myself. How can you want to live for another? How can you find existential solace in another? How can a person possibly fill this inherent emptiness within you?
Years later I find myself asking, how can you not?
# Love
As I look back to understand what caused this drastic overriding change in belief and opinion, the answer is as clear as a spring sky, I fell in love. This change didn’t happen overnight though. Contrary to what the timeless expression may convey, you don’t fall in love all of a sudden. Falling in love is nothing like a fall in real life. You do fall in love though, because it happens, like any fall, of its own accord and without you having any form of control.
You fall in love as gradually as the cold comforting days of winter give way to the warmer unrelenting heat of summer. Day after day, I fell deeper in love; day, after day, I found more meaning in her, in life, and myself.
As you look back, you come to realize that you always knew when you were falling in love, you felt it within every cell. Even then, when it does happen, it takes you by surprise.
# Moments
As I attempt to recollect the moments that pulled me into love, several dormant neurons light up my brain like an Indian sky on a Diwali night. The birthday boat ride. A car journey. Perched on a hill overlooking the sandy sea and feeling as one. Waking up to see her half-drooling face illuminated by the gentle sun.
We never think much of these mundane moments but these moments are brimming with love and saturated with meaning. We never think much of them because we are always on the lookout for bigger moments. There are never big moments in life, there are these smaller moments that make life big if you allow them to do so. It is not within the moments, it is within you.
Love helps you understand this and allows you to treasure every moment and discover the infinitesimal meaning lurking within each one. To treasure, the moments is not to grasp them, hoard them or capture them. It is to let go and dissolve within them, the way sugar surrenders to water. Love allows you to do that. Love allows you to appreciate that they are as fleeting as time itself. Love lets you find meaning in them, in your other, and yourself.
# Finding meaning in another
A part of me lives to make her happy just as a part of me lives to make me happy. I find meaning in her just as I find meaning in myself. I do not want her to always find happiness; I want her to find herself. I find meaning in her because she is as much a part of me as I am a part of myself.
This is the key to finding meaning in another; discover yourself within them and them within you. When you can feel and perceive another just as yourself, only then can you let go of the ego and your limited self. This, by no means, has to be limited to your partner but can, and should be extended, to discover meaning in everyone else.
Look outward, look beyond yourself and you will find meaning in the lives of your family, friends, and acquaintances. You will know them instead of knowing of them. You will learn to appreciate and perceive what drives them and impedes them. You will unearth a reservoir of compassion and empathy, fathomless and beyond all belief. You will begin to see them better than they see themselves. You will understand them better than you understand yourself.
Finding meaning in the lives of others enriches your own, allowing you to live many lives in a single life as you learn to live for more than yourself. It nurtures you and nourishes you as you see the universe from vantage points beyond your limited “higher” ground. Finding meaning in another allows you to find others and therein to find yourself.
# EGO
While it remains a long leap for me to find meaning in another, it is not a jump I can no longer envisage. I can now understand, though, why an egotistical and pompous teenager would consider it untenable. Why a conceited ego would look for meaning in an object but fail to realize it within a person.
The ego finds it easy to extend to other objects, ideas, or beliefs. The ego thrives by spreading and infesting inanimate things devoid of their existence because that is its nature. It too is inanimate and bereft of existence. Inherently empty, it defines its existence in other empty objects.
The ego cannot extend out to anything animate because that has a life and existence of its own. Everything animate and alive is ephemeral, intangible, and whole. It is beyond the ego; for the ego cannot infest that which it is not. This is why you cannot find others when you look from your ego. To discover meaning in others the ego must go.
