YOUR STORY OF THEM
Humans are born story tellers and we extend this ability into every sphere of our life. We are masters of fiction and very naturally convert everything into a story. All the festivals in the world, the nations and our cultures; all of them are stories as none of have an objective reality in the natural world the way trees, rivers and mountains do. On a personal level every individual unwittingly turns every person in the life into a story. Everyone is then viewed in the context of their personalized stories. One of the more intriguing stories are the ones a person makes about their romantic interest; stories that are based on that person’s beliefs and have very little to do with their partner.
Prior to kindling a romance with someone, a person tells themselves a story of what their ideal partner would be like. When we find someone who remotely fits into this story, we jump into a relationship with them and view them in the setting of our idealized story. You see them through the lens of your perception, as your idea of them with all your pre-conceived notions. In the beginning, the romantic interest is viewed through rose tinted glasses — there is no one better, more beautiful and suited to the story. This is because they are seen as the ideal character in the ideal version of the person’s story; as your idea of who they are as you conform them to your story. Adding to this distorted perception is the honeymoon phase which lasts for a number of months and makes the person oblivious to all the ways in which their partner does not fit the story.
As the honeymoon phase of the relationship nears its inevitable end and the relationship googles come flying off, a person begins to notice that their partner is slowly breaking out of the character they had written for them. Then the perception of the significant other undergoes a dramatic change. The person starts noticing their flaws, phobias, idiosyncrasies and irrational fears. Their physical imperfections become evident as a bigger-than-usual nose, a tinge of asymmetry and an odd pimple all stand out. All of this becomes apparent to the person now because they are still desperately trying to squeeze their partner into the mold designed for them based on the story. Accordingly, everything that doesn’t fit the story stands out like a sore thumb and is perceived in a negative light. This results in you experiencing a distorted reality shaped by the one-sided story.
The story fails because it requires monotony. It requires the partner to stay the same in order to fit into the character designed the by the story. That is far from reality as everyone is always changing with each moment and thus they can never be confined to the mold designed by a static story which requires things to remain the same. Everything is as mutable as the environment it finds itself in and is constantly adapting to this ever-changing environment; it exists only in relation to that environment. It also fails because, as stated above, a story is one-sided and shaped by the desires of the person telling the story. It is told from their perspective and everyone who does not conform to the story is the “villain” of the story and is perceived accordingly.
All of this can change when a person truly loves without judgments, beliefs, desires and pre-conceived ideas. Then the partner is not subjected to any story. Then the partner is perceived only through feelings and they are viewed as they truly are, raw and unfiltered. They are seen the way a person should ideally see themselves — like an evolved clueless monkey or a super-sized child trying to make their way through this confusing intimidating experience called life. A person, who despite his limitations is trying to be the best version of themselves. Someone, who occasionally slacks off and regresses but on the whole always wants to do the most that they can. A person who wants to grow and rise above everything that slows them down but does not always succeed. A person who has their inner demons to fight before they can hope to reach the heavens. A person who has moments of despair and moments of ecstasy; who feels vulnerable and powerful beyond measure. A person who doesn’t look perfect but is physically gorgeous in their own unique way. A person who wants to be good and do good but at times succumbs to their ego and its selfish nature. A person who is always at some level scared and unsure but everyday ventures into the world feigning fearlessness and confidence.
The only way to see someone this way is by abandoning the story altogether. A person can still notice all their limitations and physical imperfections. In fact, they are noticed clearer than ever before and are cherished as they stand out in all their glory. Their limitations highlight their limitless potential. Their vulnerability makes them appear bolder. Their physical inadequacies make their exquisiteness prominent. When a person sees their partner this way, they realize how this makes them all the more beautiful, how their imperfections make them human and that in turn makes them perfect. This is because they no longer need to fit into the person’s perception of them. The moment one drops all beliefs and desires, they appear to as they truly are — a marvelous yet flawed creature in a constant state of flux.
